Recap Gloom
by TRikiD
Summary: Heavily inspired by DWK's "Totally Legit Recap" series for MLP, I will be giving you devoted fans of Ruby Gloom recaps that are just as legit. I promise.(Rated T for strong language and adult themes)
1. Gloomer Rumor

Right so, before we start, I just gotta say that I am doing this for two reasons. One, because Skull Boy is my fuckin' senpai. And two, because this show makes me laugh, like, every thirty seconds and I just love it to death...so I'm gonna rip it to shreds with my unqualified and undivided judgement.

The debut episode legit starts with Ruby Gloom(or "Redhead," "Ginger," and "Fire crotch" as I'm gonna constantly call her)is defying gravity on this wonky-ass balcony with her wonky-ass British bike...you know, the ones that would never work with the giant fuckin' cow crusher at the front of it? Didn't even matter if you aren't a cow, you were gettin' crushed because no one cared about you except that bike.

Anyway, Redhead keeps asking herself, "Why are my friends such nosy assholes all of the sudden?" By the way, this is one of those episodes where you have no idea what the butt-fuck is going on until after you've spent 3/4 if the episode backtracking, and in my opinion, I don't really know whether to call that clever or bullshit. Point is, Ginger Spikes is trying to get away from her friends(don't worry, you'll find out why very soon), so she gets off her gives-no-fucks bike and drops through this trap door...which is on this stupid balcony for some reason, don't question it, to try and kill herself. But her attempts fail because she gets magic-ed back to life by Raven's "special" cousin, Depression-I mean, Misery(I'm probably gonna call her Droopy a lot).

And Misery's like, "Dude, where the fuck have you been? I've been tryin' ta get the WiFi password from you all day! What gives?!"

But Red just bales on her and hides in her room, where she gets on this special vibrating, vodka-scented swing in her room...I seriously have no idea why anything is anything in this weird-ass house. But before she can start butterin' that juicy strawberry muffin, Iris flies in on her vag crabs that form together to look like a giant worm and is like, "Ruby, you're my girl, but I'm gonna have ta beat your ass if I'm not playin' Fortnite in the next ten seconds!"

Then, Ruby the Red-headed Redhead does another weird trap door thing and ends up in the foyer, where she finds...*angelic music plays*Oh. My. Fuck. My senpai is here, he's covered in paint like some hot pony-tailed artist, and he's already fuckin' shirtless...I'm gonna need a moment. Care to join me, Ladies? Or men? Men-women? Women-men? I don't judge. We're all here for one thing, and it's obliviously Skull Boy's sexy, hard, juicy...ribs.

Right, and then Skull Boy's all like, "Yo, Ruby! There you are! Hey, the others said you not only changed the WiFi password, but that you also stole, like, all the silicone in the house, which I'm gonna need if I'm gonna build a life-sized mold of you to mock the ridiculousness of your hair and weird-ass three-sixty protractor eyes. So, yeah, what's up with that?"

But again, Ruby does the opposite of deus ex machina and just rips the rug out from underneath him, so that she can escape by...launching herself out of Pinkie Pie's party canon? I guess? Yeah, let's pretend there's a reasonable, logical explanation for that instead...like smoking a joint, which would explain why Red's eyes look like fuckin' circle tools.

After coming down from her high, she lands outside the house of Edgar, Allen and Poe...no, not the famous writer, the crows from the British furry convention of 2015. You all remember that one, right?

Anyway, Fire Crotch is all like, "What's a girl gotta do ta get five minutes alone ta look for her porn stash, Man?! I feel like I'm on withdrawal, here!"

So then, Poe says, "*intense English accent*My Dear Ruby, I was in the middle of a glorious epiphany with my type writer, and unless you wanna mop it up all night, I suggest you get the hell outta my tree house now."

"How about I blackmail you with a lit match to your gay little cape instead?"

"Alright, fine. Lay down on that chair and start flappin' those lips...the ones that don't look like the chin of an old Jewish man, I mean."

So, Three-sixty Eyes starts rambling on about how she's trying to be like the kid from Diary of a Wimpy Kid because she's a total fuckin' tomboy and writes in her journal instead of her girly-as-fuck diary with her even girlier-as-fuck feather pen. She's sittin' by the fire while talking out loud to her cat like some crazy cat person(which I am, so I'm just being a total hypocritical asshole right now but I don't care), and she says that she's gonna reveal the new WiFi password with some big-ass, I'm-a-piece-of-shit surprise party and handout a bunch of expired iTunes gift cards and cupcakes. Because every party needs fuckin' cupcakes, you idiot.

And Doom Kitty(or animalized Cat Woman) is all, "Dude, you literally threw a party about cicadas fucking on the front porch last Tuesday. Are we really gonna have ta call the mental hospital again?"

But there's this rule in the show that's just like the one in Family Guy where they can't hear Stewy speaking coherent English, and it applies to Doom and so Red just responds with, "You're right, Doom! If I'm gonna pull this off, I can't let anyone find out about the new password until tonight."

So, she thinks it's a good idea to put her private journal on the main bookshelf, where everyone else can access any fuckin' book they want. And then Droopy walks in.

"Hey, Misery! How did the CAT scan go?"

"*as emotionless as possible*It was a blast. I could actually feel the radiation eat away at my flesh and skull, which ultimately caused my tumor to get eleven millimeters wider. It got so big, it raptured both my tear ducts and I won't be able to stop them from chronically leaking for the rest of my life, so that's fun."

"Well, at least the odds of it getting any bigger are slim to none, right?"

"You have no medical experience, do you?"

"Medi-what?"

"Exactly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go stand out in the rain, catch pneumonia, and get struck by lightning twice to suppress my masochistic urges."

"As long as you're happy and keep your bad luck away from me, I don't really care if you get the Black Plague!"

Redhead tries making a to-do list after that, but then Iris suddenly runs in. No, that's literally it. No dramatic or witty entrance...she just. Runs. In.

And then Iris is like, "Hey, Ruby! Guess what I did!"

Given Iris' video game addiction/urge to try and kill herself, Ruby could only make one guess, "You finally ate those brownies with the recipe of medicinal cannabis your doctor prescribed for your ADHD?"

"What? No! I don't even need that stuff! Anyway, Squigg and I totally flew into a tree and then fell to our death!"

"And then Misery resurrected you again, didn't she?"

"Yeah, what a pain in the ass, right?! And she says if I keep this up, she's gonna stop saving my ass with her black magic."

"Iris, that's totally racist!"

"What is?"

"Just because Misery is constantly getting in trouble with nature and practices voodoo magic and incantations doesn't mean she's black!"

"What do you mean? She's not even black, she's blue, you shithead! Who's being racist now?!"

"Well, uh..."

"Don't answer that. Ya know, saying something is racist is racist, but you're lucky I'm one of those chill I-Don't-Give-A-Craprican. Just keep your racial snobbiness away from the I-Don't-Give-A-Fuckricans. They're the ones you have to watch out for."

"Iris, why the hell did you even wanna talk to me in the first place?"

"I tried to play Fortnite, but there's something wrong with the WiFi. You're the only one who knows the password, so I thought maybe you changed it or something."

"Hey, what kind of cookie is that?"

"Oh, it's chocolate chip! Want a bite?"

"Nope. I just think you should calm the hell down, and enjoy your cookie with a good book. Sound cool?"

"Totally! ...Wait, wasn't I saying something else a sec ago?"

"Not that I recall. Anyway, I gotta go. See ya later...you short-term memory accident child."

"What was that last part, Ruby?"

"Oh, nothing!"

Then, we cut to...oh, fuck yes. My favorite skeleton is still shirtless and covered in even more sexy-ass paint. Sorry, Sans. You never stood a chance with this smiling trash bag of bones...*sigh*here come all the hate comments from Tumblr users.

Anyway, Skull Boy's all like, "Dude, I know what I am now. I'm a fuckin' artist."

But then Ruby's like, "But you said you were the resistance leader of Israel yesterday."

"Yeah, but I had to bail when Trump became president. No one would've survived in the peripheral vision of his sun-burnt face. It hurts to look at it*shudders*."

"Right, well, aside from your schizophrenia, I've got another pressing matter to worry about."

"Wait, before you go, can you call me 'Skull-Angelo'?"

"Why the hell would I do that? You're not even painting, you're just smothering paint all over the original painting on a poster board you glued to the ceiling!"

"Do it or I'll become a raging feminist."

"Your art looks great, Skull-Angelo!"

"Thank you, Ruby!"

But then we suddenly cut back to Medusa's rejected child because of her lack of at least two eyes, who was ignoring all of the countless copies of the entire Twilight series. And then she comes across Ruby's diary-I mean, journal and totally starts opening it.

And then, Doom's like, "Dude, what the fuck?! That's invasion of privacy!"

"You sure it's a good idea to read this? I mean, I know I have ADHD and should therefore ignore the fact that this is my friend's private property, but even I have standards...sometimes."

"Um, don't you hate it when I sneak into your room and piss all over your socks? Yeah, that's you doing the same thing, just with less piss. In fact, if you did piss on her journal, she'd totally blame me since I urinate, like, all over the house, even though it's not my fault because she won't clean my fuckin' litter pan anymore."

"You're right, Doom! I may not get another chance to read this!"

"You're such a jackass."

But since Iris is an illiterate fuck as well, she doesn't see the new password written on the bottom of the fuckin' page and just sees, "There's another new password."

Iris is so shocked that she almost chokes on her cookie, but eventually throws it back up in disappointment, "Aww, Man! I could've ended it all fight there! ...Oh, right. Ruby changed the WiFi password again, you guys!"

And then we get back to Droopy Drapes, who's just havin' a gold ol' time of putting bird shit and mud in her hair by taking a shower underneath a broken gutter.

"*sigh*Fuck my life."

Then, Iris runs up and is all like, "Hey, that's my line!"

"Who the hell said I cared?"

"I did! That doesn't matter right now-!"

"You never did."

"Ruby changed the WiFi password again, but she's not gonna give us the new one this time!"

And then, Senpai legit stalks them through the window and goes, "Oh, shit! You mean that's why I can't access my PornHub account?! Ruby was right! I'm not an artist, I'm just trying to distract myself from my chronic masturbating!"

But then, Iris is like, "How the fuck do you even masturbate?! You don't have a dick!"

"Yeah, it's more or less just fingering and rubbing my coccyx."

And then, Misery blatantly says, "No wonder she's trying to exclude you from the contradicting yet open-minded world of the internet. You have alien pleasures, and you're a Fortnite addict. I would've changed the password and then moved out if I were her."

But Iris totally calls her out, "Like you're one to talk, Miss Podcast-Lover!"

"I find their suicide hotlines entertaining since they never work."

And Skull Boy's all, "Wait, there's a podcast for suicide hotlines?"

"There's a podcast for your mom, you troglodyte."

"Ha! Jokes on you! I'm an orphan, you stupid dyke!"

And then Iris just explodes, "Enough with the damn fancy French talk!"

"Actually, it's Greek."

And Iris and Skull Boy miraculously come to an agreement for once, "Shut up, Misery!"

And then Iris continues, "Ok, if we're gonna convince Ruby to give us the new password, we're gonna have to*gulp*...be nice to her."

Then Droopy adds, "She said she wouldn't care if I kept my bad luck away from her, and not caring is basically the same as liking something."

And Iris is like, "And she seemed really hopeful of me taking my prescription weed."

And then Misery gasps, "Which means you've gotta do that to get your ADHD under control, and then ease up on your video gaming!"

Iris totally gasps, too, "And you've gotta give her good luck!"

Then Senpai cuts in, "And I've gotta craft art that'll show what gory stuff we'll do to her to scare the new password out of her in case those plans don't work!"

So they all start shouting, "Ruby's murdered us all!"

And then...we take an acid trip through some 3-D pipe...or something. And we're introduced to the dicephalic parapagus twins, Frank and Len, two conjoined brothers who are the stupidest characters in the show with omnipotent powers. I'm not kidding. They magically hear everyone, from at least a hundred meters away, that "Ruby's murdered them all." And then the spiraling really begins.

They're totally smokin' a joint when they hear the news, but it wouldn't matter because their inability to grasp reality for a long period of time has always prevented them from making any smart choices throughout their entire pointless lives.

So, Frank is like, "Ruby murdered them? I didn't even know she was crazy!"

And Len's all, "Yeah, that's the thing about psychopaths. They look as normal as everyone else. We'd better find the evidence, and get her to confess to the police."

So yeah, they bring their badass guitar with them, since, ya know, they're like those douchebag guitarists that play at every party, and they go off to bust the one person that makes any money...yeah, I'm not sure how either.

So yeah, for some reason, Ginger decides she's gonna throw the party out at the pool house, even though there's no fuckin' pool, and the twins suddenly show up like, "We know you did it!"

And then Ruby's like, "Did what? I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey, is that a new guitar?"

And Len's like, "Don't patronize us! We know exactly what you did, you cold-hearted murderer!"

And then Red gives no fucks and handcuffs 'em to a pole, and she skips away like, "Have fun gnawing your hand off, Morons!"

And Frank's like, "Damnit, I knew it. She's goin' through the five stages of getting away with murder. Stage one: Denial."

And Len uses their God-like power to get free and is all, "Why the hell are we doing this?"

But Frank handcuffs them back and is like, "Dude, shut the fuck up, and stop using your powers to cheat your way out of the script."

So then, Red starts makin' cupcake batter out of the gizz of a semi-warm dead body she found outside, and Iris and Misery are scheming together about how they're gonna do exactly what Ruby told them to do for the first time in her life.

Misery nominates her purple ass to go first, and walks in like, "Hey, Ruby, guess what I made! It's a special potion that my ancestors made during the Holocaust to bring good fortune! Guaranteed to make your day ten times better with just a sip!"

But she forgot that she left her E.L.F.(Electric Life Fucker) on, and it attracted lightening and shocked her ass. So, Iris stones herself and gives it a shot, but fucks everything up anyway.

And then, Red meets back up with Thing One and Thing Two while her eyebrows are freaking the fuck out, and they start badgering her again.

And now, she's pissed, "For fuck's sake! I don't know what the hell you're talking about!"

And Frank's all, "Stage two, Bro: Anger."

And Len's like, "Did you stop watching Dr. Phil like I asked you to?"

So then, she just gives up, "Alright, fine. As long as you don't tell anyone and stop annoying me, I'll totally be your slave for the rest of your pointless lives. Deal?"

And then their minds are blown, "Whoa, really?"

"Yes, really. Now, just shut up and hand out these invitations."

But then, they both go into this conflicting state where they're like, "Dude, I wanna do what's right, but I also want a bitch to make me free food everyday."

But then Len realizes, "But she makes us free food anyway."

So, Frank says, "Touché, but this would definitely feel much better by inflating our egos."

"Oh, shit. You're right. Let's hand out these invites to our friends' doom then already!"

"Fine, but you realize she's gone through the third stage, right?"

"And what stage is that?"

"Bargaining."

"God damnit, Frank! You need to stop visiting Tumblr, it's turning you into an emotional and analytical weirdo!"

So, then the chaos really starts when Skull Boy shows Ruby a painting of what she'd look like with all her skin torn off, then Iris runs into her saying she's so high on her prescription weed that she feels like she's flying, and Misery throws herself down a flight of stairs to keep her voodoo away from her.

And so, we go back to the present and Red's all, "Alright, obviously, I wasn't careful enough, and I gotta bust the shithead who invaded my privacy. You in, Poe?"

And it turns out, Poe's a really chill dude who's alone and got nothin' better ta do, so he tags along with Ginger and Doom to look for clues. But almost immediately, Ruby steps in a puddle of vomit.

And she's like, "Who the hell tossed their cookies and didn't clean it up?! I'm sick and tired of this shit!"

And Doom's all, "It was fuckin' Iris, Dude."

And Ruby's like, "Wait, Iris was eating a cookie earlier, so it's gotta be her...that fuckin' bitch. She's gonna pay."

So, they off head off to look for Iris when they suddenly realize that if they call her out now, the others will find out what the password is before the party, and Ruby wasn't havin' it. So, she, Pow-Wow and Lucifer all hide from the others and eavesdrop on them planning to smother her in her sleep if they don't get the new password by the end of the day.

And Fire Crotch is all, "So, they wanna fight dirty, eh? Well, we'll see who the ringmaster is when all their accounts and video games are deleted."

So then, the party finally starts, Red, Iago and Sylvester are waiting for the others to arrive, and when they do, they won't shut the fuck up about how mad they are for the password being changed again.

And then Red's like, "Alright, Guys, chill the fuck out, fun's over. I've got the new password right here."

And Skull Boy's all, "Wait, you're just gonna give it to us after all the shit we put you through today?"

"Yeah, Dude! I mean, I wish I'd put an electric field on my journal sooner, but all this makes up for it...sorta."

And Poe just cuts in, "So wait, what is the new password?"

"Pi3ceofshitfri3end6969, just like the old one, but with an extra 69."

And the others are all like, "Ruby, you're our best friend, but you really are a huge piece of shit."

And before the episode ends, I've completely forgotten about them by now, but Frank and Len show up again realizing that Ruby basically told them to give invitations to their dead friends, which is super depressing. And, of course, Frank starts going on about the fourth stage called "depression."

And Len's about to bash his head in with their guitar when Redhead walks in like, "Hey, Guys! Here's some sandwiches for being the only people in this fuckin' place who know how ta keep a petty secret."

And Len's all, "So, are you gonna confess to the murders you committed? 'Cause we'll totally stay right up your ass until we find enough evidence."

And once again, Ruby just gives up and leaves, "Yes. Fine. I murdered all our friends. You got me. Happy?"

"Very."

But then Frank points out that she's gone through the fifth stage called "acceptance," and Len totally loses his shit and starts beating him with a full fuckin' drum set, all while everyone else is crying in the corner trying to feel something again because their precious PornHub, Fortnite and podcasts are now gone.


	2. Grounded in Gloomsville

Ok so, I realized I may have gone a little overboard with all of the quote-unquote "bullshit antics" and "descriptive story telling" that I put the characters through in the last recap. And because of that, I'm gonna try to take it down a couple notches from this point. Sound good? Alright, let's do this.

So, Red and her friends are trying to make a movie for Gloomsville's "Shitty Camcorder Film Festival" to try and win the prize of "Youngest Morons' Filmmaker Award." (You see why I'm putting this stuff in air quotes, right?)

But right in the middle of an action scene, they're interrupted by this little bat thing named Scaredy Bat(I'm just gonna call him Apu), and he won't stop screaming because he's afraid of a running leaf.

And so, Ginger's like, "Goddamnit, I told you guys not to feed the bat, and now he won't leave! Which one of you retards fed him?!"

And then Skull Boy's all, "Um, this may sound really stupid, but I kinda spilt gravy on myself at lunch earlier. And when I went to wash it off, he pretty much crawled out of the hole in the ceiling and licked me clean...it might not be the real reason why he's staying, but I just thought I'd point that out because he ripped one of my ribs out and I think I need to got to the hospital."

"Skull Boy, you always make it easier and easier for me ta wanna kill you after I finally fuck you."

"Wait, what?"

But then, Apu's like, "Hey, if you can just teach me how ta fly again, I'll totally get outta your guys' hair."

And Red's all, "Wait, if you don't know how to fly, then how the hell'd you get here?"

"Oovoo Javer, duh."

And Iris is like, "Don't you mean, Uber?"

"That's what I said. Oovoo."

"Uh, no. You forgot the b and basically every other letter in the word, you idiot."

Ya know, just because a character has a stereotypical accent, doesn't mean we gotta make fun of it...but damn, is it ever hilarious and easy, am I right? Look, I'm not a racist or homophobic person in the slightest, ya know, ya gotta do what'cha gotta do ta get along in life ethically and sexually. But I find racist jokes funny.

Anyway, Circle Tool Eyes tries killing two birds with one stone by stranding her cat in a tree to get one of two things to happen. One: Apu would fly up and save her. Or two: He would die trying. Doom jumps down herself and he gets stranded, and Red's certain he's dead after that. But when he comes back alive, the others try and either make him fly again or kill him, but nothing works.

So, they kidnap him and get him hopped up on LSD, and the next thing he knows, he wakes up in some smelly metal bucket.

And so, Apu's like, "Am I in a urinal bucket?"

And Skull Boy's all like, "Yeah, Dude! Gotta keep somethin' ta piss in close by when you're drinkin' hardcore whiskey and playin' with your giant, hard-wood...uh, catapult."

Oh, Skull Boy. We all know you wanted ta go a completely different direction with that, and we all would've loved it, to be honest.

So then, Skully launches Apu across the sky to once again either kill him or get him to fly. But like in the last episode, Skull Boy's havin' another one of his little schizophrenic moments where he thinks he's a fuckin' pilot and pretends to navigate Apu from the ground like some five-year-old. Hey, man, we all pretended to be terrorists when we were little. But to me, that's just being selfish because if he wants to find out his heritage, he should at least do it without getting his friends roped into grave danger. Like, c'mon man...that's, like, something I would do.

But as always, Orphan Bones' plan doesn't work, and Apu both crash lands and lives. He ends up suffering from catastrophic brain damage, but he walks it off due to the LSD having numbed all feeling in his body.

And while Apu's still tripping balls, Fire Crotch and the others decide to tie him a noose and throw him off the balcony. But he suddenly goes crazy and totally bites everyone, giving them this new intense acid trip called LSD Rabies. And as she starts seeing rainbows, Red totally jumps off a cliff. But Apu realizes that even though she and the others have been trying to get rid of him, he's still living in their house, so he deus ex machinas and saves Red.

But after saving her, Apu remembers something else, something totally convenient to the plot of this episode and the rest of the series: She's as high as Robert Wadlow's ass right now.

So, Apu's like, "Hey, Ruby, since you guys totally own this house and the food I steal from you, I'm gonna make you a deal. As long as you let me live here for free, I totally sorta won't be a mooching jerk to you and your friends. Sound good?"

And Redhead's just all, "What...uh, totally, bruh...I'm alright with you takin' me in the backdoor...*barfs*"

"I'm glad we could come to an agreement. Also, I appreciate the offer, but I'm totally fuckin' gay, Dude."


End file.
